The Bible- one of the world's oldest books and the best selling book in all of human history.
It's served as the inspiration for some of humanity's greatest moments, and plenty of its darkest.
Often misunderstood, and continuously judged and misquoted by people who've never even cracked open its pages, the Bible is both a source of inspiration and consternation for billions, and its legacy
But no matter on which side of the presumption that the Bible is the word of God himself you stand, either way, you have to admit that it contains some outright weird stories.
-Half-human, half-angels- The Nephilim have been one of the oldest mysteries of the Bible, with the first being mentioned in the Book of Genesis.
Typically entire segments of the Bible which seem to make no sense to a modern reader make a lot more sense when reading in ancient Greek, Hebrew, or Aramaic- the
three languages the various books of the bible were written in.
In the case of the Nephilim though, the ancient languages that first mention these beings of great power offer no clues, as to this day nobody is quite sure what the word used to describe the Nephilim really meant other than 'to fall'.
The Nephilim are first described in Genesis6:1-6, which takes place after Adam and Eve get an eviction notice from the Garden ofEve for unlawful fruit-eating, and after Cain
By now the earth has been populated by humans, and a mysterious group called the “sons of God”, took notice of the beauty of human women, taking them as wives and
Their offspring would result in the Nephilim, who were described as mighty men of renown, indicating that whatever they were, a significant number of them must have risen to prominence as great leaders.
Shortly after though God judges the world evil, and decides to hit the reset button with the aid of Noah, who would ensure not all mankind was wiped out. Eventually, the ancient Jews would be enslaved by the Egyptians and earn their freedom from a very hard-headed pharaoh with the aid of, fleeing for a promised land that god
As they neared the border though Moses dispatched some spies to scope out the land, and these spies returned telling of the great people who inhabited the land- once more mentioning the Nephilim.
Biblical scholars continue to argue about what exactly the Nephilim were, with many believing they were simply the descendants of one of Cain's children.
However, if one is to take the bible literally then all of these descendants were wiped out in a flood- and yet the Nephilim once more appear in the promised land.
If all humans save Noah's family were wiped out in the flood, then perhaps Noah- or one of his family members- was a Nephilim themselves, or these were truly the children
of fallen angels and mortal women, the angels having avoided the destruction of the flood.
As most Christians don't take the bible literally, many consider the Nephilim to simply be prominent and powerful figures in history, given nearly mystical attributes of greatness by their contemporaries.
-Make fun of a prophet, get eaten by bears- Elisha was one of the most important prophets of the Old Testament, succeeding his mentor, Elijah whom he got to watch
That was probably a rather encouraging sight for the young prophet because at the time Israel was a land of paganism and debauchery.
God's people had turned their back on the god of their ancestors and taken up the worship of the pagan gods of the people who lived around them and to make
matters worse Israel's ancient political leaders often took a dim view on Elisha, or Elijah's, prophetic activity.
Shortly after Elisha took on his mentor's, he headed for the city of Bethel.
As he approached the city, a bunch of youths came out of the city and made fun of Elisha and his apparently bald head.
Elisha turned around and cursed them, and immediately God sent two female bears to eat the impudent children.
As people who have often been around misbehaving, obnoxious children, we gotta say that it's hard for us to be mad about this particular bible story.
Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead!
” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD.
And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
Did God really murder a bunch of kids via bear?
In ancient Hebrew, the word for youths, as used in the scripture, was translated as young men in a pretty broad sense.
It was used for Joseph in Genesis when he was a whopping 39 years old, and for Absalom as an adult of unknown age, as well as Solomon age 20.
From 39 to 20 years old, that's quite a broad range for this particular adjective.
Now Elisha had just recently returned from watching his mentor, Elijah, get beamed up to heaven Star Trek-style, and though Elisha was the only witness to it happening, Elijah was a well-known prophet and had told many people that he was soon to be beamed up.
Thus when Elisha approached Bethel, a city extremely hostile to his religious views, it wouldn't have been uncommon knowledge that Elijah had been claiming he would be hoovered up to heaven.
As Elisha lived fifty years after beginning his ministry, he was clearly not an old man at the time.
His baldness was likely a result of bad genetics.
With some proper perspective, we get an entirely different interpretation of what actually happened in this weird biblical tale.
Elisha, who was suffering from male pattern baldness at a young age, was on his way to preach in a city that was a stronghold for pagan worship.
When men who could have been as old as 39years old saw him coming, they rushed out to intercept him, jeering and taunting him and his faith.
They made fun of both his mentor and close friend, Elijah, telling him to “go up!”, as in going up into the sky and to heaven as Elijah had claimed he would do and Elisha himself had told people he had seen happen.
Lastly, they called him a baldhead because, well, people are kind of dicks no matter the century they live in.
God then sends bears to maul the group surrounding Elisha, but did God really kill a bunch of iron age hecklers?
The scripture states that forty-two of them were attacked by bears, indicating that this was a rather large crowd- and if only 42 were actually mauled then the real crowd.
Now we get a very different, and very scary picture for Elisha- travelling alone and suddenly mobbed by a crowd taunting him.
What is also important is that the verse doesn't actually state that the bears killed anyone, simply that they were mauled, and the ancient Hebrew word indicates far less serious injuries
So with some perspective, we see a different story: Elisha, travelling alone, was mobbed by villagers and God rescued him by sending bears to scare and threaten them.
Still a bit of a weird story though.
-God's chosen assassin- It's a tale as old as.. well, the Bible.
Israel receives the blessings of God, inevitably as the years go by and the people enjoy the good life, they forget about god and start acting up.
Then a foreign invader occupies the land until the ancient jews turn back to god, only for them to forget about god and get invaded again.
Modern biblical scholars point to the ancient jews constant rebellion as the natural state of man, and God's equally constant willingness to forgive them and restore their freedom as his natural
Think what you will of the bible, this is an eerily accurate representation of life for anyone who has kids.
During one of these occupations brought on by Israel turning away from God, the Jews are occupied by the king of Moab, a neighbouring country.
Rather than completely conquering the land though, Eglon, king of Moab, instead of forced Israel to pay annual tribute in the form of money and other valuables.
This was a popular tactic of ancient powers, as it was far simpler, and less expensive, to simply bully your neighbours into becoming vassals than to militarily conquer them completely.
After 18 years of oppression by the Moabites, God chose Ehud to once more set his people free.
Thus Ehud decided to kick off his rebellion by cutting the head directly off the snake.
Now Ehud made himself a dagger and fastened it under his clothes on his right thigh.
So he brought the tribute to Eglon king of Moab.
(Now Eglon was a very fat man.) And when he had finished presenting the tribute,he sent away the people who had carried the tribute.
But he himself turned back from the stone images that were at Gilgal, and said, “I have a secret message for you, O king.” He said, “Keep silence!
Then Ehud reached with his left hand, took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly.
Even the hilt went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not draw the dagger out of his belly; and his entrails came out.
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